And again

What a busy month it's been!  I am trying to see my way out of one job and into my new independent practice, but I am forced to recognize how hard it is to let go.  Is it the salary I don't want to let go of?  In part, I am sure.  But it is more.  It is both the love I have put into and gotten out of the job, and the investment I feel in trying to make things right.  I've been here before, and it isn't all that helpful, but it seems to be my MO.  So what should I do about it?  I could leave the office now, come back when no one is here, and pack up and disappear into the dark.  And maybe that is exactly what I will do.  But I keep finding ways to stay, reasons to make myself "useful."  At least marginally so.
One friend has reminded me (more than once) that by deciding to leave, I made myself not responsible for what happens after I go.  But somehow I return to a sense of responsibility even as my logical mind knows that she is exactly right.  This is no longer "MY" office.  I should take down my kids' art and pack up my books and files.  I did change some passwords so that others can access agency accounts on-line and get things done without me.  But each step that reminds me it isn't about me seems to stop me in my tracks for at least a brief time.  OK, so change is hard.
Meanwhile, a close friend is refusing to talk to me because she is so stuck in a bad relationship that we don't seem to be able to do anything other than make one another feel bad.  I wish I could help, but at the same time I realize I have spent years trying to accommodate her dysfunctional relationship, at a significant cost to myself, and it is right for me to assert more of my needs.  So if she is perfect just as she is, and I am perfect just as I am, then does this mean we just cannot be friends?  I think I am coming to recognize that, for the time being, that may in fact be true.  That statement would have sent me into massive depression and fear not too long ago, so that I can say it with some equanimity is a good sign.  Everything that has happened was in order to bring me to this place.  It is all perfect, just as it is. 
Merry Christmas!

Start Again Tomorrow

A very gentle reminder that even though I fail today, I can begin anew the next day.  I am trying to hold onto this idea as I set myself goals (eat better, exercise more, savor the joy) and see myself fail in so many ways.  But I can always start again tomorrow.  I don't have to give up because something got in the way today, or even for the last month or year.  I can still start again tomorrow.

Life is Short

I sometimes have to reassure my kids that I am not going to die anytime soon, which I recognize is also reassuring myself.  But then I get a wake up call, like the news today that a friend of a friend who was in a car accident while on vacation has died.  I had heard about the accident, and the anticipated long road to recovery, and then when I didn't hear more I assumed that she was improving.  Which she had been, until she wasn't anymore.  I don't know many details, but I am sad for her, and for her family and the many people who loved her very well.  I send my thoughts, love and prayers to them.
At the same time, I am reminded that I must live my life now, because we do not know how long we have.  Ever.  I want to see my kids grow up, become themselves, fall in love, explore their passions.  I want to see what my life will bring as I am released from the rigors of parenting young kids, into other stretches of parenting and living and working and building new friends and relationships and watching old ones change and shift.  I want all of it, and yet there is no way to know what I will get.  My life is shaped by the loss of my father when I was 10 years old, and I deeply fear for my kids and the losses they will face.  But I can't know what I will face, or what they will, and this is my wish: to live now, for now.  To drive with care, but otherwise to throw much caution to the winds.  To say yes, when it feels right, even if it feels scary.

Unearthing the backstory of myself

Internet dating.  What a strange and complex world.  I am trying to see it as a process to help figure out what it is I want, but it brings up all kinds of discomfort, some of it quite surprising.
First, the easy but uncomfortable pieces.  I am a looksist.  I care about how people look.  When the first hit you get is either no photo, or an unappealing (to me) photo, it is hard to get further.  In theory, this disembodied first encounter might help one to "see" a person in a different way, but nope, it is reinforcing all of those feelings.  I dislike the photos of me, so what does that say about anyone considering my profile?  Not very encouraging.  In addition, my feelings are pretty easily hurt.  Even by what I can recognize are completely imagined slights.  Not responding.  Disappearing.  As much as my conscious self says that it is not about me (and I am perfect just the way I am), it hurts, and I feel stupid about feeling hurt at the same time.
But here's what prompts me to write.  I find that I am wishing someone would take care of me.  I have fantasies about being protected, dreams of someone who forestalls worries about money.  I recognize that this is a clue to how stressed I feel about money and my future, but I really didn't think I ever expected to be taken care of, but much more likely to be the caretaker.  But there is is, I am wishing my white knight, so to speak, would swoop in and carry me to a safer, happier place.  Too bad I am going to have to do that work for myself, at every level.  Just seeing what lies within stopped me in my tracks.
All this interior work also makes me think about the messages and lessons I give to my daughters.  Do I create for them ideas about what it means to care for oneself?  I remember JKP talking about a student who had lost her spouse suddenly, and had managed to create a deep commitment to meditation, in part because she wanted her kids to be able to see her overcome her sadness and be happy.  I  very much want my kids to see me happy, but I think I have to find a way for them to see it without a new relationship/partner.  I want them to see that there is happiness in taking care of myself.  Joy in parenting them and living our life.  So that leaves me with a lot of questions about what is right for me as a person, and for me as a parent.

What's getting in the way?

I have stated a goal -- to complete a triathlon -- and I set an initial goal of a "starter" tri the third weekend in June, 2011. I have eight months to get there. In that time, I will need to improve my overall fitness, up my biking and running endurance, and figure out how far I can swim and what I need to do to swim any distance and with enough speed to complete the course. In other words, I think this is manageable, but it will take some real work. First step, get out and exercise. Which I have managed exactly once. First, I had a lot of time that the girls were here, which eliminates my ability to just go whenever. But then I had a weekend without them. I did go for a walk/hike, which I was happy about, and I declared that to be day one. Day two, it rained, and even though I know I need to go no matter the weather, I didn't. I just didn't. Today is day three, and the sun is shining, and I still didn't. Just didn't. So what is up with that? I want to do this. I know I enjoy myself once I get going. But instead of going, I find excuses, I feel tired, I feel kind of depressed. I'd rather do a little retail therapy, and think about buying equipment than going out and doing the work. Is this really what I want? Or am I limiting myself for other reasons.

In other words, is what I want really what I want? I feel very much in limbo, even now. I have moments when I can put myself out and feel like I can do anything and everything.  And then times like today, when it all feels like too much, when I feel sort of lost and alone, and I don't want to do anything.  I wish someone else were around to help, to encourage, to figure out what's for dinner and how to best make it from here to there.  And to help me to go out and take those first steps.  But why do I look to someone else to do that.  Sure, it would be nice not to be the only one thinking about what's for dinner, but all the rest, I don't see why it takes someone else to make it happen.

On one level, it's just that I like company.  I respond to social interaction and am less motivated by myself.  But is that really all?  Or is there some part of me that is always doing things for someone else, instead of figuring out what I genuinely want.  Am I feeling sorry for myself because my best pal has a new relationship and I don't?  I know there's a piece of envy there, but why?  That I am not so clear about.  Especially since I've just found myself saying that there are things about being single that I am appreciating and enjoying.  Maybe I've been a little too single/alone this weekend?  But today I have a lunch plan and then I will pick up the girls.  Something's not adding up.  It does all seem to play out in my exercise/lack thereof motivation issues.  It's all connected.

So what I'm finding is that setting a goal is not enough.  I have to get to the bottom of why that isn't getting me out on the road or into the pool.  I think I assumed that telling people I was going to do this would be enough to move me forward, but it is not enough.  Making something happen has to find its own source.  Inside of me.  More to come.

It's all good

I had a new thought -- it occurred to me a few days ago, and has stuck with me. It is ... I like being single. Wow. I like being single. I haven't been single for more than a few months since I was in college. Maybe even high school. I have long thought of myself as "good at" relationships, and afraid of being alone. But in some ways, it isn't half bad. I like deciding for myself what to do. I have enough going on that I am rarely short of activity. I would like more (read some) sex, and I would like more adult affection (although kid affection is abundant and wonderful and there is nothing else like it). But all in all, I'm enjoying this aspect of my current life. I have a weekend coming up and many of my friends appear to be out of town or otherwise engaged, and that's ok. House guests are coming tomorrow evening, so I need to clean the house and change a lot of sheets. I will see my daughters at their soccer game tomorrow. I will meet my house guests at an art opening, and send them on their way on Sunday in time to meet a friend for coffee and maybe a soak in a hot tub. If there is more Giants-Phillies baseball, I will watch because even though I rarely watch televised games, this has been a terrific series and my old Philadelphia pals are duking it out with my newer SF pals, in figurative terms, mostly on Facebook. And while I am enjoying being single, I am beginning to think I could date, and that it could be fun without having to lead somewhere, or be deeply meaningful, or really anything other than fun and possibly revealing of what it is that I am seeking. Until I try, I won't find out.

You are already perfect

Borrowing the blog title from Zen Habits, trying to make it my own. This is the lesson I am trying to absorb. When I know it, deep inside, I recognize that this is how all the shoulds and musts become wants. If I am perfect already, then I won't try to exercise because I should, but because I want to. Eating healthier also becomes a want. In fact, I am recognizing that for me, the way I eat has a lot to do with what food I have in the house. Not keeping out the bad stuff, but adding in the good. If there is lots of fruit, I eat fruit, not because it is all there is, but because it is both what I want and also easy. So maybe what I really am is lazy. Except I am already perfect, so I guess lazy must be the perfect way to be. Hmm, this is radical for me.

I was just reminded of a sermon that has stuck with me for a very long time, which discusses the admonition to "love thy neighbor as thyself." The hard part, the sermon explained, is not so much loving the neighbor as the loving thyself. If I can learn to love myself better, with less judgment, then I can share that with my neighbor (and my child, and my friends).

Easily discouraged

How I think of myself, and how I act, do not always proceed hand in hand. I think of myself as strong and capable, but when push comes to shove, I find myself overwhelmed and ready to hide. At the moment, I am dealing with a professional bully, and I am feeling very stymied. I want to stand up and make it different, but instead I try to find a way around, someone else to take the tough position, I retreat. I don't retreat in order to give up the field, but to figure out a more successful strategy, but I want to be the person who already has the answer.

Dating. Interesting concept. New one to me, but I'm trying to stay with the idea that by meeting more different people, I will learn more about what I want and how to state that to others and see that I can achieve it. Interesting that this is where my train of thought heads.

Lump on the couch

Recently I sat with two friends and discussed what is getting in the way of me feeling good about myself and what I am doing, and I found that I have a deep fear of ending up immobilized by inertia. With their encouragement, sort of, I am letting myself explore what it would feel like to do what I want and not what I think I should be doing. Trying to determine what it is I want, without the control and discipline of the universal "shoulds." Some observations so far: I am much easier to get along with; I say what I think more often, and I still don't eat very well. From this I gather that I censor a lot of what I might say for fear of saying something I "shouldn't" and I limit my choices and the choices of those around me. So here's to saying what I think and mean, without the should.

But the other piece is that I want to be someone who exercises and eats well, but at this moment, I'm not. I do believe that I don't do this in a sort of cut off my nose to spite my face way, because I know I should and therefore I don't want to and I push back by not doing them. But I also know that I feel better when I make better choices. So my next goal is to find a way to eliminate the should but not the positive end result. No clue yet on how to do that.

I've been thinking a lot about clearing out my space -- I need room to work, room to think, space that is useful and comfortable but not overwhelmed with kid stuff. My efforts in that direction have actually created greater chaos, so far. But I think that slow and steady action will, eventually, lead my to find the satisfaction I am seeking. But wow is it slow! More to come.

Welcome

Hidden strength is both what I need, and what I've always known I possess. I'm living through a great transition, and hoping to document it here. Why? To help me see where I've been and find the themes and ideas that are the most help to me. I can read what others write for days, but until I begin to apply new approaches, it's just an academic enterprise. I'm a hands-on, experience-it-myself-and-figure-out-what-I've-learned type learner. So I hope by writing I can move out of a "research" phase into more action. What are the hold ups? What is getting in my way? What do I think I am doing and how is it going? All these and more questions are fair game. Come along for the ride, and maybe there will be something here that is of use to you.