Recently I sat with two friends and discussed what is getting in the way of me feeling good about myself and what I am doing, and I found that I have a deep fear of ending up immobilized by inertia. With their encouragement, sort of, I am letting myself explore what it would feel like to do what I want and not what I think I should be doing. Trying to determine what it is I want, without the control and discipline of the universal "shoulds." Some observations so far: I am much easier to get along with; I say what I think more often, and I still don't eat very well. From this I gather that I censor a lot of what I might say for fear of saying something I "shouldn't" and I limit my choices and the choices of those around me. So here's to saying what I think and mean, without the should.
But the other piece is that I want to be someone who exercises and eats well, but at this moment, I'm not. I do believe that I don't do this in a sort of cut off my nose to spite my face way, because I know I should and therefore I don't want to and I push back by not doing them. But I also know that I feel better when I make better choices. So my next goal is to find a way to eliminate the should but not the positive end result. No clue yet on how to do that.
I've been thinking a lot about clearing out my space -- I need room to work, room to think, space that is useful and comfortable but not overwhelmed with kid stuff. My efforts in that direction have actually created greater chaos, so far. But I think that slow and steady action will, eventually, lead my to find the satisfaction I am seeking. But wow is it slow! More to come.
No comments:
Post a Comment