Easily discouraged

How I think of myself, and how I act, do not always proceed hand in hand. I think of myself as strong and capable, but when push comes to shove, I find myself overwhelmed and ready to hide. At the moment, I am dealing with a professional bully, and I am feeling very stymied. I want to stand up and make it different, but instead I try to find a way around, someone else to take the tough position, I retreat. I don't retreat in order to give up the field, but to figure out a more successful strategy, but I want to be the person who already has the answer.

Dating. Interesting concept. New one to me, but I'm trying to stay with the idea that by meeting more different people, I will learn more about what I want and how to state that to others and see that I can achieve it. Interesting that this is where my train of thought heads.

Lump on the couch

Recently I sat with two friends and discussed what is getting in the way of me feeling good about myself and what I am doing, and I found that I have a deep fear of ending up immobilized by inertia. With their encouragement, sort of, I am letting myself explore what it would feel like to do what I want and not what I think I should be doing. Trying to determine what it is I want, without the control and discipline of the universal "shoulds." Some observations so far: I am much easier to get along with; I say what I think more often, and I still don't eat very well. From this I gather that I censor a lot of what I might say for fear of saying something I "shouldn't" and I limit my choices and the choices of those around me. So here's to saying what I think and mean, without the should.

But the other piece is that I want to be someone who exercises and eats well, but at this moment, I'm not. I do believe that I don't do this in a sort of cut off my nose to spite my face way, because I know I should and therefore I don't want to and I push back by not doing them. But I also know that I feel better when I make better choices. So my next goal is to find a way to eliminate the should but not the positive end result. No clue yet on how to do that.

I've been thinking a lot about clearing out my space -- I need room to work, room to think, space that is useful and comfortable but not overwhelmed with kid stuff. My efforts in that direction have actually created greater chaos, so far. But I think that slow and steady action will, eventually, lead my to find the satisfaction I am seeking. But wow is it slow! More to come.

Welcome

Hidden strength is both what I need, and what I've always known I possess. I'm living through a great transition, and hoping to document it here. Why? To help me see where I've been and find the themes and ideas that are the most help to me. I can read what others write for days, but until I begin to apply new approaches, it's just an academic enterprise. I'm a hands-on, experience-it-myself-and-figure-out-what-I've-learned type learner. So I hope by writing I can move out of a "research" phase into more action. What are the hold ups? What is getting in my way? What do I think I am doing and how is it going? All these and more questions are fair game. Come along for the ride, and maybe there will be something here that is of use to you.