What's getting in the way?

I have stated a goal -- to complete a triathlon -- and I set an initial goal of a "starter" tri the third weekend in June, 2011. I have eight months to get there. In that time, I will need to improve my overall fitness, up my biking and running endurance, and figure out how far I can swim and what I need to do to swim any distance and with enough speed to complete the course. In other words, I think this is manageable, but it will take some real work. First step, get out and exercise. Which I have managed exactly once. First, I had a lot of time that the girls were here, which eliminates my ability to just go whenever. But then I had a weekend without them. I did go for a walk/hike, which I was happy about, and I declared that to be day one. Day two, it rained, and even though I know I need to go no matter the weather, I didn't. I just didn't. Today is day three, and the sun is shining, and I still didn't. Just didn't. So what is up with that? I want to do this. I know I enjoy myself once I get going. But instead of going, I find excuses, I feel tired, I feel kind of depressed. I'd rather do a little retail therapy, and think about buying equipment than going out and doing the work. Is this really what I want? Or am I limiting myself for other reasons.

In other words, is what I want really what I want? I feel very much in limbo, even now. I have moments when I can put myself out and feel like I can do anything and everything.  And then times like today, when it all feels like too much, when I feel sort of lost and alone, and I don't want to do anything.  I wish someone else were around to help, to encourage, to figure out what's for dinner and how to best make it from here to there.  And to help me to go out and take those first steps.  But why do I look to someone else to do that.  Sure, it would be nice not to be the only one thinking about what's for dinner, but all the rest, I don't see why it takes someone else to make it happen.

On one level, it's just that I like company.  I respond to social interaction and am less motivated by myself.  But is that really all?  Or is there some part of me that is always doing things for someone else, instead of figuring out what I genuinely want.  Am I feeling sorry for myself because my best pal has a new relationship and I don't?  I know there's a piece of envy there, but why?  That I am not so clear about.  Especially since I've just found myself saying that there are things about being single that I am appreciating and enjoying.  Maybe I've been a little too single/alone this weekend?  But today I have a lunch plan and then I will pick up the girls.  Something's not adding up.  It does all seem to play out in my exercise/lack thereof motivation issues.  It's all connected.

So what I'm finding is that setting a goal is not enough.  I have to get to the bottom of why that isn't getting me out on the road or into the pool.  I think I assumed that telling people I was going to do this would be enough to move me forward, but it is not enough.  Making something happen has to find its own source.  Inside of me.  More to come.

It's all good

I had a new thought -- it occurred to me a few days ago, and has stuck with me. It is ... I like being single. Wow. I like being single. I haven't been single for more than a few months since I was in college. Maybe even high school. I have long thought of myself as "good at" relationships, and afraid of being alone. But in some ways, it isn't half bad. I like deciding for myself what to do. I have enough going on that I am rarely short of activity. I would like more (read some) sex, and I would like more adult affection (although kid affection is abundant and wonderful and there is nothing else like it). But all in all, I'm enjoying this aspect of my current life. I have a weekend coming up and many of my friends appear to be out of town or otherwise engaged, and that's ok. House guests are coming tomorrow evening, so I need to clean the house and change a lot of sheets. I will see my daughters at their soccer game tomorrow. I will meet my house guests at an art opening, and send them on their way on Sunday in time to meet a friend for coffee and maybe a soak in a hot tub. If there is more Giants-Phillies baseball, I will watch because even though I rarely watch televised games, this has been a terrific series and my old Philadelphia pals are duking it out with my newer SF pals, in figurative terms, mostly on Facebook. And while I am enjoying being single, I am beginning to think I could date, and that it could be fun without having to lead somewhere, or be deeply meaningful, or really anything other than fun and possibly revealing of what it is that I am seeking. Until I try, I won't find out.

You are already perfect

Borrowing the blog title from Zen Habits, trying to make it my own. This is the lesson I am trying to absorb. When I know it, deep inside, I recognize that this is how all the shoulds and musts become wants. If I am perfect already, then I won't try to exercise because I should, but because I want to. Eating healthier also becomes a want. In fact, I am recognizing that for me, the way I eat has a lot to do with what food I have in the house. Not keeping out the bad stuff, but adding in the good. If there is lots of fruit, I eat fruit, not because it is all there is, but because it is both what I want and also easy. So maybe what I really am is lazy. Except I am already perfect, so I guess lazy must be the perfect way to be. Hmm, this is radical for me.

I was just reminded of a sermon that has stuck with me for a very long time, which discusses the admonition to "love thy neighbor as thyself." The hard part, the sermon explained, is not so much loving the neighbor as the loving thyself. If I can learn to love myself better, with less judgment, then I can share that with my neighbor (and my child, and my friends).