Internet dating. What a strange and complex world. I am trying to see it as a process to help figure out what it is I want, but it brings up all kinds of discomfort, some of it quite surprising.
First, the easy but uncomfortable pieces. I am a looksist. I care about how people look. When the first hit you get is either no photo, or an unappealing (to me) photo, it is hard to get further. In theory, this disembodied first encounter might help one to "see" a person in a different way, but nope, it is reinforcing all of those feelings. I dislike the photos of me, so what does that say about anyone considering my profile? Not very encouraging. In addition, my feelings are pretty easily hurt. Even by what I can recognize are completely imagined slights. Not responding. Disappearing. As much as my conscious self says that it is not about me (and I am perfect just the way I am), it hurts, and I feel stupid about feeling hurt at the same time.
But here's what prompts me to write. I find that I am wishing someone would take care of me. I have fantasies about being protected, dreams of someone who forestalls worries about money. I recognize that this is a clue to how stressed I feel about money and my future, but I really didn't think I ever expected to be taken care of, but much more likely to be the caretaker. But there is is, I am wishing my white knight, so to speak, would swoop in and carry me to a safer, happier place. Too bad I am going to have to do that work for myself, at every level. Just seeing what lies within stopped me in my tracks.
All this interior work also makes me think about the messages and lessons I give to my daughters. Do I create for them ideas about what it means to care for oneself? I remember JKP talking about a student who had lost her spouse suddenly, and had managed to create a deep commitment to meditation, in part because she wanted her kids to be able to see her overcome her sadness and be happy. I very much want my kids to see me happy, but I think I have to find a way for them to see it without a new relationship/partner. I want them to see that there is happiness in taking care of myself. Joy in parenting them and living our life. So that leaves me with a lot of questions about what is right for me as a person, and for me as a parent.
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